the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
