She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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