I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
