5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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