Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
