In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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