New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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