He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
its liver damage thursday
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
