I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
