When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
