Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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