my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
