I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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