the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
