"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
