Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
