So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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