Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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