i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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