Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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