WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Who died my cat blue again?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
