he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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