So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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