the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
