I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
