I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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