these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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