i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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