im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
