saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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