when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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