So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
