Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
