i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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