My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
