He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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