The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
