Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
