Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
