can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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