Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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