You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
