I could have mohawked her pubes.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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