I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
