remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
