she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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