What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
