It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
