I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
