You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
